I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
