I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
