When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
