You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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