Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
