Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Buhtt sex?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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