Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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