I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
