my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
