then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
