The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
