I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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