I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize