i love accidental penises.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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