The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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