are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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