this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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