Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
