I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
