i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
