I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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