Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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