I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
