There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
