This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
