you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
