What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
