I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
