After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
