people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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