I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
