I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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