I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
