I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
