You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
