Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
