I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
