She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He kissed a someone with a penis
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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