my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
