When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
