Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
