forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
