you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
