Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
