so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
