checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
