I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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