Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
