did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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