i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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