I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
