i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
