Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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