what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
