census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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