the condom got lost in my hair
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
