so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
